there's paper in my vomit.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
