I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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