i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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