So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just had sex on a roof
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
