Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
