I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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