he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
