New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
