He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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