You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
