Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
