I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
two words: eviction party
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
