yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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