Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
