Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
