I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Randomize