In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
