I wish they made helmets for livers.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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