My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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