She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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