: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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