my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
