Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
