you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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