the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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