No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
