sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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