My balls are so social today.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just want nice things and good sex
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
