You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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