If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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