everyone is single if you try hard enough
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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