just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
