Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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