sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
