Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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