She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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