dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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