I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize