maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
