I am in a vortex of obligation.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
