Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
