Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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