i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
