I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
