The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Text me some of your sweat
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize