I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
