textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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