seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
