Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
