There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
