My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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