I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
