I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The air was thick with penises
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
