seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
