Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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