I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
