i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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