Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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