That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
3pm strippers are depressing
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize