we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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