Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
