the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
