dude i'm inner monologue high
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
