How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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