Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
