you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
